A New Year

So it's been a while since I have posted. I think partly because I like helping others more than asking for help, but there you go.

My big dilemma this year was what to make my new year's resolution: to get in really good shape or to get my grades significantly higher. I told my friends it is both and I got an earful about how you can only have one resolution.

On the one end I am not pleased 100% with my looks.. I mean I think other people see me ok, and I dress fairly well (kind of new-age fashion, lots of leggings, stomach belts and cardigans) but on the other hand I still am not as skinny as those around me. I mean i exercise fairly regularly and still don't lose the weight, but I'm not trying to be a swimsuit model (cannot tan!!). The big thing for me is that I just want to be that little bit skinnier, and I need to work really hard if I want to do it. I know I can deep down, I just always "treat myself" when I'm on a diet with exercise and then the large number of treats defeats the purpose of the exercise. Yet somehow I still get mad at my body for not losing fat.

On the other hand, I have an important academic career to look after. My parent's don't put a whole lot of pressure on me because I am naturally smart but I don't know if that is a good thing (the lack of pressure or the natural intellect). I know that there's a lot to look forward to as far as school goes, and I have my eye on a couple good schools. My ex accepted an offer to a really good school that I kinda wanted to apply to as well. He say's it would be kinda weird us going to the same school but there are 20 000 other people on campus so I don't think it will distract me. I do find myself wanting to do better than him though, which I am not sure is healthy or not. I also find myself competing against those who I would describe as my close friends, or no apparent reason. I am not sure if I feel whether I want to be better than them in general or just prove that I can be as smart.

In the end though I have to pick one. Any suggestions would be great. haha

As far as my family life goes, the holidays were not as bad as I thought but still lonely at times. I did end up having a nice warm vacation which was enjoyable.

As far as my love-life goes I would say its about the same. I still can't figure my ex out because he talks to me as if he doesn't like me but when talking to his best friend the other day he said my ex was still in love with my like mad. Which sucks, because I am with him too..

The holidays

Soon it will be christmas. I am in a new city now than we were last year, and even though its only about 20 miles difference, my friends seem much farther than that.

I will be traveling back to my old city for christmas with my family, and will hopefully see my friends of old. The holidays are such a wonderful time for pretty much everyone, except I am still thinking I don't have enough. Not to say enough material stuff, although I can be materialistic sometimes, but other things.

when I moved away with my family, I broke up with my boyrfriend. And although it seems like he has moved on, and I have given the illusion that I have as well, I still can't stop thinking about him. It's been 4 months now since we broke up, and yet all I can think about it how much I miss him at night, not being able to fall asleep with him. There are some things about him I don't like, but then I remember the fact that I would make those things about him better, and best of all he would make me a better person.

At this point I'm just hoping to get through the holidays without thinking about him all the time, and being home probably won't help. My family will help though, and maybe if I surround myself with enough material philanthropy, I will forget, even if for a moment.

On that note, this spouting also helps in its own way. thank you, dear internet.

Does anyone else know how I feel?